Fic: Zhou Mi Can Use His Brain Sometimes

Title: Zhou Mi Can Use His Brain Sometimes

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Crack, AU

Pairing: TaoMi (friendship)

Warnings: Slight language

Summary: Zhou Mi gets kidnapped in the middle of the night and taken to the mall. Who’d be stupid enough to hide Zhou Mi in the mall? Apparently, these guys.

Word count: 2,824

First story in my new TaoMi series. Hope you enjoy!


The day started out normally for Zhou Mi.

He woke up with the birds singing and the sun shining brightly on his smiling face. One could’ve thought that the sun had implanted a part of itself into Zhou Mi’s DNA, because he was a human sunbeam. He got ready and ate breakfast with a big smile on his face. He drove to work with a big smile on his face. And he greeted customers at the Geng Shoes store with a big smile on his face.

“Zhou Mi-ge!” called Tao, Zhou Mi’s coworker and favorite shopping buddy. “It’s closing time!”

And so Zhou Mi proceeded to lock the doors of Geng Shoes with a big smile on his face.

He drove home with a big smile on his face.

He went to bed with a big smile on his face.

He woke up in the middle of the night surrounded by big, burly guys wearing all black.

~~~~~

He woke up again in the back of a van, hands tied and mouth gagged.

And he still had a big smile on his face.

“Hey, guys!” he exclaimed. “Is this a joke? Where are you taking me?”

Of course, his captors didn’t understand a single word he was saying due to the gag.

“He’s awake!” said a low, husky voice. “Knock him out again, Sungmin!”

Since it was so dark, Zhou Mi didn’t see the fist coming towards his head. But he still had a big smile on his face.

~~~~~

Zhou Mi didn’t wake up with a big smile on his face this time. He woke up in pain. He felt a huge lump on the side of his head from where he was knocked out. He was restrained to a chair and gagged. It was dark.

“Hello?” he called out into the darkness.

“He’s awake again!” said the same low, husky voice. “Cho, get the lights.”

The lights switched on and Zhou Mi finally got a good look at his captors. There were 6 of them, all dressed in black criminal-wear. The one that had spoken was tall and muscular, with a slight smirk on his curvy lips and a big-boss aura to his beefy frame. He walked over to Zhou Mi and undid his gag.

The one that had switched on the lights, Cho, was not as tall, but he had wavy brown hair and milky white skin, and he looked a bit too thin for his age. Zhou Mi took a liking to him right away.

“Couldn’t we have kidnapped someone else, Siwon?” said one of the other guys in a rather high-pitched voice.

“Yes, but we need someone who works inside the mall, Sungmin,” Big-Boss Siwon answered. “Otherwise we wouldn’t know where the hidden safe is.”

Zhou Mi looked at the guy who had been called Sungmin. So this was the one who had punched him in the head? Sungmin looked so frail and harmless, like he couldn’t hurt a fly. He was rather short, with bright PINK hair in that K-pop-boy-band hairstyle that was popular these days. He had huge, adorable brown eyes and pouty, m-shaped lips. Zhou Mi was still surprised that he was the one who had knocked him out. He didn’t look any older than 15.

“Wait,” Zhou Mi said. “So you were the one who knocked me out? Can you even hurt a fly?”

Immediately, Zhou Mi took back all initial thoughts about Sungmin, because as those words had left his mouth, Sungmin turned to glare fiercely at him, the adorableness in his eyes all gone.

“I can do that again for you if you’d like,” Sungmin said, his high-pitched voice now sounding a thousand times more threatening. “But this time it can draw blood.”

“No, Sungmin, remember? We were ordered not to draw attention,” said another one of the Big Boss’ cronies. “Injuring him draws attention you know.” This one looked more like a boy than a man, with his layered boyish haircut, puffy mochi cheeks, and innocent expression.

“Oh, shut up, Henry,” Sungmin spat back. “We don’t have to follow orders, you know.”

“Don’t be too harsh on Henry, Minnie-hyung,” said another with rather large teeth and blue-tinted hair. “He’s not even completely grown up yet.”

To Zhou Mi’s surprise, Sungmin turned to glare at the blue-haired man before pushing him back fiercely. “Who are you to tell me what to do, Donghae?!” he bellowed. “I don’t follow orders from anyone except Siwon, and don’t EVER call me Minnie-hyung!”

If Zhou Mi was in Donghae’s position, he would’ve cowered and muttered an apology while begging for his life. But Donghae only sprang back, his eyebrows furrowed in anger and his teeth bared. Zhou Mi would’ve laughed at Donghae’s angry expression, which made him resemble a dinosaur, if not for his fear.

“ENOUGH!” roared Big-Boss Siwon. “WILL ANY OF YOU BEHAVE? SUNGMIN, DONGHAE, THAT IS THE FIFTH TIME THIS WEEK, AND IT’S ONLY TUESDAY!! STOP FRIGHTENING HENRY. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE SILENT LIKE KYUHYUN, RYEOWOOK AND EUNHYUK?! HUH?!”

Eunhyuk? But there were only 6 people here.

“Um, permission to speak, boss?” the last cronie with black choppy hair, who Zhou Mi assumed was Ryeowook, asked, raising his hand timidly. Big-Boss Siwon nodded his approval. “Um, the reason why Eunhyuk is so silent is because he’s not here.”

“WHAT!?” Big-Boss Siwon hollered. “THEN WHERE THE HELL IS HE?!”

“Right here, boss!” squeaked a voice that sounded like it was far away. Zhou Mi turned his head to see a man with periwinkle-colored hair (seriously, what’s up with this group of gangsters and their rainbow-colored hair) tied to the railing of a balcony. “You put me here because I misbehaved, remember?” Big-Boss Siwon only facepalmed.

Eunhyuk was help up by a roll of thick rope. His back was against the balcony, and his feet hovered over nothing. If he fell, he would drop 15 feet onto the first floor of the mall.

WAIT A MINUTE.

Zhou Mi finally realized where he was.

“Ooh, yay, we’re at the mall!” Zhou Mi shouted, the big smile finally returned.

“Yes, we are, dipshit,” Big-Boss Siwon growled. “Took you long enough.”

“So your guys’ hideout is the food court?”

Big-Boss Siwon facepalmed again. Then he leaned into Zhou Mi’s face, wanting so badly to shoot that sickeningly bright smile right off. “Listen here, Zhou Mi,” Big-Boss Siwon snarled. “We’re here because we know you work in this mall. We’re here to steal the money from the safe hidden inside this mall. But we need someone who works in it, so we can access it. You are going to lead us to the hidden safe and help us unlock it to get the money inside. Got it?”

“But I don’t know how to open it,” Zhou Mi answered. “A LIE!” yelled Big-Boss Siwon. “You will lead us to the safe NOW!”

~~~~~

So, Zhou Mi was forced to lead them through the mall, hands tied together and held on a leash with the bleached-haired guy Big-Boss Siwon called Cho.

Little did they know that letting Zhou Mi walk around freely in an empty mall with only a leash to restrain him was a very, very bad idea.

“So, your name is Cho?” Zhou Mi asked Cho, who merely rolled his eyes. “That’s a funny name, even for a Korean.”

“That’s my surname,” Cho answered, his exasperated tone obvious to everyone but Zhou Mi. “My name is Kyuhyun.

“Kui Xian?”

KYUHYUN.”

“Kyu-kyu-hy—eh, I’ll try to pronounce it correctly some day. For now, I’ll call you Kui Xian.” Zhou Mi said, acting as if they were going to see each other again. Kyuhyun merely facepalmed.

“Oooh, look, it’s Kim’s Wardrobe!” Zhou Mi exclaimed excitedly, running up to the window of his favorite clothing store and gaping at the dark denim jeans, stylish seude jackets, and inviting aviator sunglasses.

“Zhou Mi!” Henry called. “This way!” Kyuhyun roughly tugged on his leash, reddening Zhou Mi’s wrists. Only then did Zhou Mi detach himself from the window.

“Oh, look, here’s where I work!” Zhou Mi said as they passed Geng Shoes. Everyone stopped immediately.

“You work for Hangeng-ge?” Henry cried out in surprise.

“You mean Tan Hangeng, owner of Geng Shoes and my ah-mazing boss?” Zhou Mi said with a rather arrogant smile. “Then yes, I do.”

“Who’s Hangeng again?” Eunhyuk asked. You could tell by the tone in his voice and his expression that he was the simpleton of the gang.

“You don’t remember Hangeng, Hyukkie?” Donghae said. “He was the tall guy with spiky blonde hair and was always sucking up to Siwon.”

“HE WAS NOT ‘SUCKING UP’ TO ME, DONGHAE!!” Big-Boss Siwon yelled. Apparently, everyone in this gang had anger management issues. “OUT OF ALL YOU, HE WAS THE MOST OBEDIENT ONE!! IT WAS YOUR GUYS’ STUPIDITY THAT DROVE HIM INSANE TO THE POINT WHERE HE HAD THAT IDIOTIC IDEA TO LEAVE US AND BECOME A SHOEMAKER, YOU IMBECILES!!”

Zhou Mi only giggled, unfazed by Big-Boss Siwon’s temper tantrum. “Angry, much?” he said with a bubbly tone to his voice that filled Big-Boss Siwon’s ears with hot steam that threatened to spill out any minute now. “Oh, and by the way, Mr. Hangeng’s hair isn’t blonde anymore, he dyed it back to black.”

“SILENCE!” Big-Boss Siwon screamed. “KEEP WALKING, NITWIT!” Kyuhyun pulled on Zhou Mi’s leash again, and he shut up.

But not for long.

Suddenly, Zhou Mi started squealing like a fangirl. “OMG OMG OMG OMG LOOK!!!” he screeched. “IT’S A GUCCI STORE!!!”

“Yah, so?” Sungmin retorted obnoxiously, sounding almost exactly like a stereotypical teenage white girl.

“MY BFF TAO AND I ALWAYS SHOP THERE! IT’S, LIKE, OUR STORE!” Zhou Mi immediately ran up to the windows and drooled at the sight of luxurious golden handbags and shiny black leather shoes, both with Gucci’s signature pattern.

“Get over here!” Kyuhyun grunted, pulling at Zhou Mi’s leash. Zhou Mi grumbled, but at least he calmed down, and went back to leading his captors to the hidden safe at the core of the mall. When suddenly…

“OH. MAI. GUCCI!!” Zhou Mi shrieked again, back in fangirl mode. “THEY NEVER TOLD ME THAT THE NEW ASIATIQUE BOUTIQUE ALREADY OPENED!!! I HAVE TO TELL TAO!!!”

Coincidentally, there was a phone booth right next to the new boutique. Zhou Mi immediately ran to it and dialed Tao’s number, not caring at all that it was 1 AM in the morning.

“TAO!”

“Hullo, ge?” Tao’s sleepy voice replied on the other end. He had absolutely no idea what Zhou Mi was doing at the mall at this hour, or why he was so excited.

“THE NEW ASIATIQUE BOUTIQUE HAS BEEN OPEN FOR 2 DAYS ALREADY!!!! AND THEY NEVER TOLD US!!!!”

Tao’s eyes instantly snapped open and any drowsiness fizzled away. He completely forgot about sleep and the time and didn’t even care what the hell Zhou Mi was doing at the mall at 1 AM in the morning anymore. “WHAT?!”

“YEAH! WE HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT TOMORROW!”

Meanwhile, his captors, having been annoyed past death, just groaned and grumbled while Zhou Mi and this Tao person yapped on and on about a new boutique. Big-Boss Siwon couldn’t even yell anymore because he had used up most of his energy yelling at all the other idiots that he had to be surrounded with and thinking about how much he wanted to just kill them all.

“Here, I have earplugs if you need them,” announced Eunhyuk out of the blue. “Here.” Eunhyuk took out 7 pairs of blue foam earplugs from his duffel bag and distributed them to everybody. They all took them in tense silence, until Sungmin broke it with his signature snooty remark, “Wow, this is, like, the only time you’ve ever been decently useful, Eunhyuk.”

The 7 kidnappers waited peacefully in a now comfortable silence, where they heard nothing but their own thoughts. At one point, Zhou Mi looked back at them to wave and smile, and they all thought that he had finally finished his conversation, when Zhou Mi turned back to the phone and silently yapped some more.

The next thing they all knew, they were awoken by the sound of Zhou Mi screaming “OH MAI GUCCI IT’S LOUIS VUITTON!!!” followed by rapid scampering. Kyuhyun roared awake in rage when he lost his grip on the leash that once restrained Zhou Mi, and the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was the image of the mile-long-legged Zhou Mi sprinting away towards a Louis Vuitton store around the corner.

“NO!!” hollered Big-Boss Siwon. “GET HIM!!!”

The gang sprinted around the corner after Zhou Mi to find him gone.

“Where is he?” Donghae said in confusion, scratching the back of his blue-topped head. He didn’t need an answer from his gangmates because then, a high-pitched giggle and squeal echoed through the dark and empty mall. It sounded a bit creepy in the dark, but the gang continued their chase after they heard Zhou Mi screech, “PRADAAAAA!!!!!”

But by the time they had arrived at the Prada store, Zhou Mi was already headed somewhere else. “Why does he like Prada anyway?” said Ryeowook. Of course, for all he knew, Prada was a women’s designer brand. He did not waste time finding out which clothing brands sold men’s products or not.

 “OH MAI GUCCI I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A CODES COMBINE STORE IN HERE!!!” cried the shrill voice of Zhou Mi, echoing through the mall. The rest of them instantly ran towards the source of the sound. Of course, when they got to Codes Combine, Zhou Mi was already headed somewhere else, running through the empty mall emitting shrill shrieks of delight whenever he spotted one of his favorite stores.

The kidnappers may as well have gotten a tour of the mall, as they chased him through the second and first floor of the entire mall. They followed Zhou Mi to Versace, Deco, Bean Pole, BSX, and countless other stores that none of them wasted brain space on trying to remember their names, when all of a sudden Big-Boss Siwon, who was in the lead, crashed to the ground, creating a domino effect as his 6 cronies followed suit.

They all looked to see the sickening smiling face of Zhou Mi peering down at them. “Hey, guys,” he said. “I found the hidden safe!”

They all perked up and got to their feet as Zhou Mi stood before a plain white door. “WELL, OPEN IT!” commanded Big-Boss Siwon. Zhou Mi obeyed.

“HANDS UP!!” someone yelled. The 7 gangsters immediately put their hands up as they stared at the scene before them: a team of police pointing tasers at them. Zhou Mi grinned that obnoxious grin that Big-Boss Siwon hated so much.

“Good job, Tao,” Zhou Mi said to a guy with black hair and dark circles under his eyes. He looked as if he had just woken up, and considering the fact that it was 1:30 AM, he probably did.

Tao only nodded in response to Zhou Mi’s praise.

“WHAT IS GOING ON?!” Big-Boss Siwon demanded.

To Big-Boss Siwon’s irritation, Zhou Mi laughed. How dare he laugh in the face of Choi Siwon!

“This is what happened,” Zhou Mi started. “While you guys were passed out on the floor with those silly plugs in your ears, I told my friend Tao that I had been kidnapped and to call the police and bring them here. Then I went on that crazy rampage to buy them time and then eventually lead you here to this janitor closet.”

Tao lazily waved his hand up in acknowledgement.

“WHAT!?” yelled Big-Boss Siwon. “THIS IS A JANITOR’S CLOSET?”

“SILENCE!!!” thundered the head officer, whose loud booming voice made Big-Boss Siwon’s sound like a whisper. “THE 7 OF YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!!” Immediately, the rest of the officers handcuffed the 7 kidnappers, and Zhou Mi’s hands were untied.

“By the way, Shi Yuan,” said Zhou Mi, (“THAT’S NOT MY NAME!” boomed Big-Boss Siwon) “I don’t know where you get that crazy story of this mall having a ‘secret safe’ full of money. You must be at the wrong mall.”

“SHUT UP!!” Big-Boss Siwon screeched, as he and his cronies were led away by the police.

“Come on, Tao,” said Zhou Mi. Tao didn’t answer. “Tao?”

Unknown to Zhou Mi, Tao had crashed to the floor and fallen fast asleep 2 minutes ago. Zhou Mi nearly slipped on his drool and then tripped on his body and fell flat on the floor.

“Tao!” called Zhou Mi, poking his cheeks. The only thing that did was spill more drool out of Tao’s open mouth. “Tao!”

Then Zhou Mi got an idea.

He leaned into Tao’s ear and whispered, “Asiatique.

Tao’s eyes immediately snapped open. “What! Where?” he cried, looking around.

Zhou Mi giggled like a girl. “Come on, if you get your ass off the floor, I’ll show you!”


Hope you enjoyed that! The appearances of the characters come from different eras in SJ/Exo history. I will include pictures below that inspired their appearances. NONE OF THESE PICS ARE MINE.

Zhou Mi:

zhoumi

Tao:

tao

Siwon:

Siwon5

Kyuhyun:

kyuhyunblonde

Sungmin:

sungminpink

Donghae:

donghaeblue

Henry:

henry_025

Ryeowook:

ryeowook

Eunhyuk:

eunhyuk

Hangeng (as one of Siwon’s cronies):

Dont-Don-10

Hangeng (as Zhou Mi’s boss):

hangeng

Thanks again, and bye!

 

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